The M4 and the M25 walk in to a pub and order a drink.
They say to the barman. "we are the hardest roads in the country, we are solid"
With that some red tarmack walks through the door and the M4 and M25 cower away.
"i thought you were the hardest roads in the land the barman says"



"We are but he's a CYCLEPATH"


[Edited by steve_w on 02-03-2004 at 04:02 PM GMT]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"










How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)









A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it,  this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"




Just to let you know I have nothing againsed blone people.  

____________________________
There are only 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

Bill Gates dies, and go to face St. Peter at heaven's door.

St. Peter says him "Well, mr. Gates, as you were the richest man in the world, we give you the opportunity to choose between Heaven or Hell."
Gates asks for a preview, so St. Peter leads to a small Heaven's tour, where Gates sees angels everywhere, fountains and clouds, and raptured people all around praying and contemplating the above.
Then, they go to visit Hell, and there are bikini girls all around, with big cars, drinks, and dance music, and people party and dance everywhere. Gates thinks: "Heaven was good and peaceful, but a little boring. It's more exciting here", so decides to choose Hell and tells it to Peter, who agree and send him with a smiling devil to lead him in his final destination.
Just when they arrive at the Hell, a big rude devil with a pitchfork grabs him and throws him in the hot mud up to the neck.
"But... what..." he protest, " I have been here ten minutes ago, it was a party everywhere, there were girls, and festoons..."
The smiling devils says back: "That was the screen saver running"

____________________________
Real Programmer can count up to 1024 on his fingers

All I know are offensive and male chauvanist jokes...lol...so here goes...


Q; How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: She answered the iron.


Q: How did she burn the other ear?
A: They called back...


Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing...you've already told her twice...


Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.


Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A: You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.


Q: Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A: Wind it up and it walks into walls.


Q: Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car?
A: Because shes a woman.


Q: What did she do when she fell down the well?
A: Screamed her fingers off


Q: How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
A: She was wearing mittens


Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy.


Q: Why did Helen Keller cross the road?
A: What, like she know's where she's going?


Q: Whats the first thing your wife does when she gets home from the battered womans' shelter?
A: Better be the dishes!


Q: What do you do when the dish washer is broken?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get to work.


A: Why cant women ski?
Q: Because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Q: Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
A: If you drink it makes you talk crap and drive horrible.




____________________________
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running NAGGING 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate


***************************



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1.
Television 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Cheerfulness 2.0.



Good Luck,
Tech Support
----------------------------

  

One man was admitted in a mental hospital . He Claimed  that he was Bill Clinton ,after few days another man was admitted in the hospital he also claimed that he was Bill Clinton and naturally both the man use to fight on the issue that who is Bill Clinton and who is not.
The hospital management did everything to solve that issue but it didnt , and they were facing problems in controling them both.
One wise man adviced them to put those two man in a close room and let them decide on there own ,onceand forever,that who is bill clinton and who is not.
The hospital management did that and when they opened the room after a while both man came out smiling
Surprisingly the Doctor asked them did u solved the problem
, both man said yes.
The Doctor asked who is bill Clinton ?
The First Man replied "I am Bill Clinton " !
The Dr asked the 2nd man then who are You
The 2nd man with a shy smile on his face replied
"I am Helery Clinton".



[Edited by ahmad on 08-09-2003 at 11:58 AM GMT]

____________________________
@#@#@

The magician was rounding off his show on a ship watched by the captains parrot. He always ended his shows with disappearing tricks and the parrot was accustomed to it. Suddenly, as he waved his wand chanting some magic words, something exploded on the ship and the parrot and the magician found themselves floating on pieces of debris.

After a brief pause, the parrot finally sighed and said, "I give up. Tell me, what have you done with the ship?".


-----------------------------------------------------------

On Error Goto Hell

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

Of Cheating Men
The wife of a company executive decides to suprise her husband by visiting him during his office hours.When she enters his cabin,she finds his secretary taking notes, on his lap.When the guy looks at her,in a very composed manner,he starts"...hence gentlemen,budget cuts or no budget cuts,I can't continue to work like this with just one chair in my office."

Of cheating women
The wife is lying on her death-bed,while her husband is seated beside her,carresing her palm.She looks at him and painfully says,"Oh John,you have been such a nice husband.But I'm afraid I've not been so good to you.Your boss,Richard,I've slept with him."John displays sadness and shows a sorrowful smile."Don't worry sweetheart,I know all about it." "You do?",she asks in disbelief."Yup.Why and who do you think poisoned you?"

These were first published at http://www.vbcity.com/forums/topic.asp?tid=33499&highlight=cheating.

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

You guys will enjoy these. I think they are great, I have listed some of my favourite:

http://www.sysprog.net/quotpgmr.html

My favourites:
1)
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. (Rich Cook)

2)
Their rumpled clothes, their unwashed and unshaven faces, and their uncombed hair all testify that they are oblivious to their bodies and to the world in which they move. These are computer bums, compulsive programmers. (Joseph Weizenbaum 1976)

3)
I especially like this one, I used it in college to people who now want me to help them find jobs with some of my client

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. (Bill Gates)

They were not nice to me.

and more...
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein)

The only thing more frightening than a programmer with a screwdriver or a hardware engineer with a program is a user with a pair of wire cutters and the root password. (Elizabeth Zwicky)

Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind over-taxed. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless, and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match. (Bill Bryson)

     ROTFL   

There are more to see at the above site. You might think that they are pretty harsh but if we are honest with ourselves, we will see that most if not all of us are geeky, nerdy characters with poor social skills and a few bad habbits to get rid off. Happy coding.  

[Edited by fabulous on 14-09-2003 at 04:36 PM GMT]

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

So that's where the spider is from, that web site! (bad pun)
please change back, the dog was better.

____________________________
There are only 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

OK, I will change back to the dog.

---------------------------------------

A busy executive was always fighting with his wife about his coming home late every Friday night. One Friday he went out with the boys and spent the entire weekend fishing, playing golf and having a great time and returned home late on Sunday night.

He found his wife fuming with rage and after she had complained for 2 straight hours she asked him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for the next 3 days?"

He didn't hesitate in saying that he thought that it was a great idea. So Monday went by and he didn't see her. Tuesday passed and he didn't see her. The same thing on Wednesday. Early on Thursday morning his swollen eyes got better and he could just see her through the corner of his eyes.

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

More Blond Jokes  

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"
  ----------------------------------------
  
  RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
-------------------------------------
  
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights

and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
  ---------------------------------------
  
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
  ------------------------------------
  
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled  
the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for
a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
-------------------------------------
  
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at  the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,
takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking
the  answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still
  sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in
half an  hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
  -------------------------------------
  
ABDUCTION
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde She pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning,
  she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big
oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following
note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this
  to another!
-----------------------------------------------------
  
  FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened
  it then slammed it  shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of
her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge
  the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man
asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly
is!" My stupid computer keeps saying,  "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

> > >Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women > > > > > > >could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five > > > > > > >floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you > > > > > > >ascended. > > > > > > > > > > > > > >The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to > > > > > > >choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go > > > > > > >back down except to leave the place, never to return. > > > > > > > > > > > > > >A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some > > > > > > >husbands... > > > > > > > > > > > > > >First floor > > > > > > >The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." > > > > > > >The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not > > > > > > >having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" > > > > > > >So up they went. > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Second floor > > > > > > >The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are > > > > > > >extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's > > > > > > >further up? > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Third floor > > > > > > >This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good > > > > > > >looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. > > > > > > >Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went. > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Fourth floor > > > > > > >This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love > > > > > > >kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a > > strong > > > > > > >romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! what must be > > > > > > >awaiting us further on! > > > > > > >So up to the fifth floor they went. > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Fifth floor > > > > > > >The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to > > > > > > >prove that women are f**king impossible to please. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >

              

              

              

              

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

Good 1 steve!

____________________________
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Another blonde joke

A gentleman was surprised one morning in the mall when he saw a blonde in her 20s walking around with one of her breasts hanging out of her blouse. He went to her and pointed out to her that she was not properly dressed to which she replied in distress, "Oh gosh! I forgot the baby on the bus again!"

[Edited by fabulous on 26-12-2003 at 03:31 PM GMT]

Dear Systems Administrator, I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing, and also took up a lot of space and Valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5 and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails and Saturday Shopping 1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but un-install doesn't work on this program. Can you please help??


'************************ REPLY ********************


Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Wife 1.0 however, is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything you used to. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but
have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it
installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc- key routine.It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be
very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying
additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do NOT under any circumstances install
Secretary 2.1(Short Skirt Version),as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly
crash.

Best of luck.

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

                  

Just a thought: "The time will come when the machines (software) will take control over huMAN"

        

____________________________
If you find the answer helpful, please mark this topic as solved.

Daddy, what does "Now formatting Drive C: mean?"

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

Those are some of the funniest jokes I've heard in a while, thanks.

Want a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I won't be surprised if you are going to take that day off!




____________________________
There are only 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

Caddies fed up with golfers.

Golfer: Do you think it is a sin playing on Sunday?
Caddie: Sir, with the way you are playing it is a sin to play on any day.

Golfer: I will move heaven and earth to get this hole right.
Caddy: Try moving heaven sir, you have already moved most of the earth.

Teacher teaching 6 year old children about the blood circulation
The teacher wanted to demonstrate the blood circulation system to her students. She said to them that everything is fine when one is standing and you can go on without experiencing anything strange.

But, she asked "How come when I stand on my hands, the blood rushes to fill up my head and my face goes red?"

One student quickly responded, "Because your feet are not empty"

[Edited by fabulous on 26-02-2004 at 08:16 AM GMT]

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

Communicaion Problem

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

A male animal rights activist was speeding home one day when all of a sudden a hare ran accross the road. He tried to avoid it but unfortunately he hit it and killed it instantly.

He stopped the car and came out and started weeping. Just then, a blonde drove by and stopped by his car concerned at why he was crying in the middle of the road. She asked him and he told her, "I have just killed this hare by accident and I love animals I didn't want to do that."

She told him not to worry and got a can from the back of her car. She walked about to the hare and sprayed some of the contents of the can. The hare immediately jumped up and ran off. After 10 feet, it stopped and waved. It ran again for 10 feet and stopped and waved. It continued to run for 10 feet at a time and waved each time it stopped until it disappeared from sight.

When it was gone the man asked in astonishment, "What is in that can?". The blonde just showed him the label.

"Dead hair spray. Brings dead hair back to life. Adds permanent wave."

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

A Heart Warming Story!!

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
little girl and some builders.

This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that
there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day
a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account.

When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage
packet at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew
building a house.

"My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will be if those useless c*nts at B&Q ever
bring us the f*cking plasterboard.

SOME COMMOM COMPUTER DISEASES:

BOOLEMIA. The boolemic constantly regurgitates complex "and" and "or" structures in his speech and thought processes, which makes life overly complicated. A typical boolemic: IF (popcorn buttered) and (Julia Roberts stars in) and not (Paulie Shore) OR (art film) and (Sly Stallone has cameo) or (body count > 100) see movie.

ALGOLHOLISM. Sufferers can't stop writing ALGOL programs, even though no one has sighted a working ALGOL program since 1977. Victims spend their days rummaging through old computer output recycling bins looking for a line or two of pure ALGOL code. The best treatment? Wean addicts off ALGOL with a synthetic derivative called COBOL.

HACKING COUGH. An incessant seal-like bark, it's often precipitated by a FBI interrogation of three to five hours and may be exacerbated if the latest killer computer virus is named after the suspect's girlfriend.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS TEST SYNDROME. Strikes dedicated system testers who do their utmost to break unyielding online systems. The trauma of an intact system after the tester has pounded keyboards, thrown coffee at the PC and fruitlessly applied the latest cryptography is sometimes too much to handle; traumatized testers may suffer flashbacks just by punching in at an automated teller machine. The only cure is to break a system.

UNEMPLOYED CODER'S EYE. A rare condition in which the IT professional can't pick up misplaced periods in programs, resulting in numerous abends. The remedy is to strength-train eyes by watching ice hockey, which features a highly mobile, period-like dot called a puck.

TOXIC SCHLOCK SYNDROME. Germinates from an IS shop's purchase of a turnkey vendor package that, upon closer examination, performs only one function: opening Pandora's Box without a close routine. Toxic schlock can poison the atmosphere of an entire IS organization as demoralized staffers call in sick (of work). A highly recommended antidote is to never buy a client/server package retailing for $99.99.

JAVA DEPENDENCY SYNDROME. Strikes programmers who depend on the programming language of the same name. The name comes from ingesting large quantities of the stuff while waiting for your programs to load.

SLEEPING SICKNESS. IS workers with this ailment fall asleep right at their PCs. Not even a six-pack of extra-caffeinated cappuccino can prevent a victim from nodding off at work. This unnatural slumber is usually caused by either working at a start-up Internet company in any city whose name begins with "San" or reading footnotes in product documentation.

OBJECT DISORIENTATION. Encountered by mainframe developers when faced with object-oriented tasks. One victim describes the illness this way: "You get dizzy, all the drop-down menus appear stuck, dialog boxes begin to talk back to you, and radio buttons start giving you a lot of static." Doctors say the best way to fight the affliction is to put your head between your legs and repeat, "It's only a passing technological fad. It's only a passing technological fad. ...".

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

I said NO to drugs, but they wouldn't listen...

____________________________
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter (Jesus Christ)


Brain Bench Certified VB.NET Developer

A MAN has great tickets for the Euro 2004 final. As he sits down, another bloke comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the bloke. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me," replies the man. "My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Euro Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else to come like a friend or relative - or even a neighbour?"

"No - they're all at the funeral".

A VERY attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no." the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.